Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You Might Also Like
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
buying dead houseplants to save time
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook