Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
RT if you could go either way.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The symmetry is uncanny.