Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
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You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products