My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.