6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
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It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I can’t be the only one 😂