Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My biological clock is wheezing.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today