Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’m aging like a fine banana
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?