Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
doing your own taxes
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”