Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Ironic
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.