Always…
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
me before I type out affect or effect
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.