Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
You Might Also Like
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Is fake venison called venisn’t
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!