I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?