my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary