me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
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your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?