*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you鈥檙e getting pee on my shoes.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Marriage isn鈥檛 between a man and a woman. It鈥檚 between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Dating profile at 26: I鈥檓 cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let鈥檚 get married.
46:
I like what I like. I鈥檓 not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Silly you… one can鈥檛 throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.