*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
The first matador
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Two types of dogs.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?