*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Mhm.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”