I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.