Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
You Might Also Like
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.