i could never be president. im overqualified.
You Might Also Like
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.