ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
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AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
That eye roll….
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk