interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
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[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
two people or more is called a problem
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Time for evil
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.