I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
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The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Same post same
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
What the hell is going on?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
😂😂
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back