I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.