* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.