Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.