The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno