My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
You Might Also Like
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
somebody come look at this
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.