I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus