Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.