The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
#parenting
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”