establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
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Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
A roof is a house hat.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.