You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.