6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Storm Tropical Storm
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Cheer up.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!