wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.