WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
So inspired right now.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate