Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do