When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.