I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
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HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*