Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*