If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
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I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.