IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Put a ring on it
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
just got my engagement photos
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex