One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.