Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
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Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”