I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.