Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked