parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU