[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
#CatsOnTwitter
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.