How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
the best thing i’ve ever made
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.