“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
You Might Also Like
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.